Or perhaps I should say that I'm very fussy about who I share my life with, and I haven't someone satisfactory yet. I find that most romantic relationships are exciting for a week or two and really lift me up, but soon become a burden, emotionally and physically. Emotionally, because suddenly I have to consider somebody else's feelings, opinions, schedule, long term plans... And physically because I work long hours; fitting a new person into my life is awkward. Most people do not interest me enough to get round this.
The highs and lows of a new relationship play havoc with my mental state. I'm much more balanced when I'm single, but after a while I find myself craving the comfort of curling up with a warm body in the evening. And I miss the sex.
Close friendships are a different ball game. In the past I have been stuck in a close friendship of convenience, and it grated. It was like a romantic relationship but without the fun bits. Or the ability to dump them when I got fed up. I would really like a good friendship with a man, because their opinions can be quite refreshing and blunt, but I wouldn't trust myself not to sleep with them.
Nobody knows that I've started self-harming again. Not a single person in the world. That's how I would very much like it to stay, although naturally a boy/girlfriend would find out pretty fast. I have a friend who knows that I used to have problems (she saw the scars and asked me about them) but since our one and only conversation about it, I've steered her away from the topic and have no desire to talk about it with her. Not only would she be unable to comprehend why I did it, she is also likely to piss me off by screwing her nose up at it and (therefore) act like it's a disgusting habit.
There is only one other person who has broached the subject. He did it rather unexpectedly, taking me by surprise so much that I didn't know whether to lie or tell the truth. He took the pause as an admission that his suspicion was correct. As we were both drunk at the time, and it was in danger of turning into a lets-have-sex-to-make-you-happy situation, I brushed it off and sent him home. We haven't talked about it since, and we're not close.
Perhaps that's why I'm using the internet as a sounding board. It's great; I can babble on for as long as I like and I don't even have to make an appointment!
Hello Kerry - The sounding board of the internet has produced a vibrational echo. I'm afraid the echo comes back only from me though. A somewhat doddering farmer who's only qualification is for a bus pass.
ReplyDeleteI was lucky, I was horribly boringly 'normal' for half my life until somewhere in the middle I had a nervous breakdown. Totally off the planet for a week or two. This experience, for that is what it is, taught me so much I was unaware of till then.
I've spent my life with animals - horses sheep cows dogs cats chickens - wondering how they think. Of course without language as we know it I cannot ask them directly. Over the years though I've learnt a lot of their language. They tend to keep it simple. If you are nice to a horse it will nuzzle you. If you do something it doesn't like it will kick you - hard or not depending on what you've done - then it will be straight back to nuzzling you. They don't hold a grudge.
Now I hope that what I write is making sense. I have said I was normal for the first half of my -that's not really so. - I have always been dyslexic. - I am feeling smazingly good this morming because so far in this little reply I have not panicked - become completely lost for words - written 'the' three times in succession. I think this is all to do with your beutiful use of language. It kind of soothingly washed over me.
We live in a world that separates people. Those who find language easy do degree courses - those who find it difficult become plumbers (my trade). We are hide bound by morals conventions and all the other words you can think of but which are now beginning to elude me. Though I refuse to panic.
The animals I share my life dont have this problem.
They are part of herds and flocks with freedom. Puupies in baskets curl up with each other as and when they like. Sadly we often have to learn to curl up with just ourself for comfort at times.
Maybe our minds are a little too separate from our bodies. Perhaps when your mind needs comfort you might learn to comfort your body. Lay soothing hands on it - in the way your writing has soothed my fear of writing.
John the Plumber.
I clicked your link on your response to Henry's hour of need.
Hope you don't mind me putting you on my favourites bar.
Hello John, thank you for your beautiful response! Your experiences with animals are definitely something I can relate to, having been around dogs and horses for most of my life. I too admire the way they get on with life, responding to each stimulus as it occurs. I think you've given me the topic of a future post!
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